the silent struggle of the sandwich generation

I had a coaching call the other day with a woman who is caring for her mum with dementia while also supporting her adult son with disability.

This woman lives out west, on a farm half an hour from town. Her son needs full-time assistance, which is split between her, the support workers, and her husband.

Every month or so she drives two hours to another town to visit her mum in the nursing home.

She also helps her husband run their farm.

Needless to say, this woman does not have a lot of time for herself. Her movement goals were simply to embed more activity into her daily routine, for example by doing exercises while waiting for the kettle to boil or cleaning the house to music.

She used to go to the gym in town, and loved it, but right now it’s too much. So after she got clear on her ‘why’, I supported her to create some simple strategies to increase her daily step count.

The confronting thing is - her situation is not unique. I’ve heard dozens of similar stories from other midlife women.

These women are navigating the challenges of moving their parents into aged care… caring for them through illness… supporting them financially… nursing them to end of life…

All while juggling their own young kids/ teenagers/ young adult children.

And this is on top of their responsibilities at work and at home.

They are the filling in a responsibility sandwich.

Can you relate?

Have you ever felt sandwiched between the needs of your parents and your own kids? And perhaps other family members or friends or colleagues as well?

If so – then welcome to the sandwich generation. (It’s a dubious honour!)

The term ‘sandwich generation’ was coined by the researcher Dorothy Miller (Miller, 1981).

She noticed a growing number of women who were caring for their ageing parents at the same time as their own children.

While she first wrote this a few decades ago, I think it’s now more relevant than ever.

I can relate.

I had a day recently where I spent hours on the phone to aged care facilities, I had both kids home from school with colds, and I was juggling working from home.

And this phenomenon isn’t unique to a particular group or generation. Both men and women can feel the pressures of multiple responsibilities, and at any age.

Miller wrote about the emotional burnout, the guilt, and the loss of identity these women experienced.

Being a human sandwich can feel a little like the world is on your shoulders and everyone’s depending on you.

And sometimes this responsibility gives you strength and purpose. It feels good to be needed.

But perhaps it also feels hard to breathe.

And like you want to strip off those layers of pressure and disappear into the woods for a year.

It can be tempting to burrow further into work as an escape. To use your precious moments of downtime to answer emails or do a little admin.

I’ve heard a lot of women say this – and I do it too.

But it’s times like these when your self-care is more important than ever.

If you want to keep being a beacon of support for your loved ones, it’s not selfish to squirrel away pockets of time for yourself to go for a walk or read a book.

It’s necessary.

Because a sandwich without the filling is just two sad pieces of bread.